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Death by Chair Legs

Who knew?

Did you know you are supposed to clean the legs of your wooden chairs? You can be honest, no one’s judging you here. Well I didn’t know, until the day I came home from work to find our housekeeper squirting lemon-fresh Pledge on the curvy-carved veneers of my wannabe French Country chairs.

Is this something people do? Sure, if a glob of spaghetti sauce dropped on the chair, I’d give it a swipe, but otherwise it’s safe to say I’ve never given the those chair legs a thought. Seriously, do they even get dirty? I did what I always do when I’m stumped. I called my mother, and sure enough, yes, you should occasionally give attention to the chairs legs. It appears dirt and dust can accumulate there just like anywhere else. Go figure.

This is why I use a professional.

Celia.

Celia started cleaning our house when we first moved to Massachusetts ten years ago and the boys were only two years old. My children adored her because she would leave a chocolate on their beds amongst the pile of stuffed animals she’d artfully arrange in adorable poses. She taught them words in Portugese like soap, and water, and tell-your-mother-to-pick-up-a-broom-once-in-a-while. I once found her teaching them how to use the vacuum, probably in the hopes they would eventually teach me.

I adored Celia because she cleaned my house. And she came back every Wednesday no matter how bad it got. She also crafted paper roses out of our toilet paper and folded geometrical designs into the top layers of our Kleenex.

I know, right?

Ten years and later, Celia and her crew have gotten to know us very well. Every week we leave them a list of things we’ve lost … like my wedding ring, my husband’s wedding ring, our only remaining set of car keys, our only remaining set of house keys, and even our hamster, the aptly named Houdini. Sure enough, they’d find everything and line them neatly on the kitchen table. I can’t tell you how much I rely on Celia and her crew, and they always deliver. Sometimes too well.

I hang decorative ceramic dishes on the walls of my kitchen and dining room. It never occurred to me I should clean these plates, which, let me stress, never get used. They just hang there. If a plop of spaghetti sauce were to land on one of these plates, (which in my house is a distinct possibility), I would clean it. I might not take the plate down, but I would definitely wipe all the red off. Otherwise, the plates stay up on the wall, untouched, until one of the kids inevitably throws some item that should never be thrown inside a house and the plate falls and shatters into a million pieces.

So imagine my surprise when I came home and saw that Celia had taken all the plates down and washed them. They were, admittedly, very bright and shiny, and some of them were even different colors than they were that morning. That familiar feeling of despair came over me. So we're supposed to clean these too?!

I called my mom. By this point, I could easily visualize her shaking her head dismayingly.

"Yes, dear, of course you need to wash those plates."

"But they don’t DO anything. They just sit there."

"It doesn’t matter, they still get dusty and grimy."

Darn. I was beginning to see a trend here, and this trend—like all awful trends tend to do—continued.

One day I came home to find the silk curtains from our dining room removed and placed neatly into plastic bags. The cotton curtains from our sunroom had all been taken down, washed and dried. Celia, because she knows me all too well, had set up the ironing board and placed the folded curtains on top of it, along with the iron, in a not-too-subtle hint as to what my role in this crazy escapade was to be.

Scott gleefully came round the bend, his eyes bright with joy at what he was about to tell me. “Celia says you need to have the dining room curtains dry cleaned and that you have to iron the sunroom curtains.”

 “Dry-clean?” I asked stupefied. “Iron? I don’t understand.”

 “Celia says they need to be cleaned.”

“The curtains?”

“Yep.”

“But why?” I whined. “Is there spaghetti sauce on them?”

My husband merely shrugged.

“Clean.” I rolled the word on my tongue. “The curtains.”

“Yes,” said my husband, a cheerful broken record. “And iron those other ones.”

I stared in abject horror at the sixteen curtain panels piled on the ironing board and did the only rational thing I could think of.

I called my mom.

“Come on, Mom,” I literally cried. “This can’t be something people actually do?”

“Yes, dear,” she patiently confirmed. “Why, your sister-in-law and her mother get together every spring to clean all the curtains in the house. It’s something they do.”

Damn.

So by this point I’m really starting to worry about things I don’t know. I don’t mean things I don’t know like trigonometry or geometry or any “ometry” for that matter. I mean things I don’t know, that I don’t even KNOW I don’t know.

Like washing the legs of chairs, decorative plates, and curtains.

I can just see the four of us now, suffering from a rare form of lung disease brought about by a no-good sneaky bacteria that grows exclusively on chair leg dust, or on ceramic plate grime, or on whatever it is that makes a perfectly normal looking curtain need cleaning. The doctors would all be scrambling to find an antibiotic to save our lives but would be stumped as to the exact course of action. They’d congregate in a circle in the corner of the hospital corridor whispering how no one’s ever gotten this particular strain of disease before. After all, who doesn’t clean their chair legs?

bridges33 January 30, 2012 at 04:11 PM
Hahahahahahaha! Don't worry, I've never cleaned a curtain in my life ... or a chair leg. Let me know what antibiotics the doctors come up with ... My family will be next in line!
chris h January 30, 2012 at 04:19 PM
If you really want to be of service to this community, give up Celia's contact information to the rest of us moms ... don't be selfish!
brooklineparent January 30, 2012 at 06:02 PM
Loved this Adrienne...thanks for another few minutes of pure reading delight!!! Please tell me you've started your "novel!" xo
Adrienne Kerman January 30, 2012 at 07:38 PM
Sorry, Chris, can't do it. This is my LIFE we're talking about here ... can't live without her! :-)
Pam Roberts January 30, 2012 at 09:07 PM
I have a sudden, strong urge to wash the plates and knick knacks on my walls and shelves, as well as my fridges's shelves. Thanks a lot.
Beth Cole January 31, 2012 at 12:21 AM
I am rolling with laughter Adrienne! Love this one! Plenty of us don't know.... or rather, don't want to know what we should know!!!
Kristi G January 31, 2012 at 08:59 PM
Until recently I thought that all vertical surfaces were exempt from dusting. Then the condo downstairs started a remodel, and all that microscopic plaster dust began clinging to everything - including the sides of our upright piano that suddenly turned several shades lighter. I'm usually happy to learn new things, but I must say this bit of information is one I was happy to live without. Thanks to your article, I will now go home and eye my curtains suspiciously. But since I don't have a Celia, I suspect they will remain on their rods. :)
Marian Ferro February 04, 2012 at 07:29 AM
Loved the article! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with that attitude toward cleaning. About how much does it cost to hire someone to clean a house? I'd love to do that, but doubt that I could afford it. And when the person saw my house, she'd probably immediately double her rate!

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