How to Handle Naysayers, Poisonous Pals, and Frenemies

By Jill Morgenthaler

Have you ever shared your dream with someone, only to have her crush it with unsupportive words? It happened to me recently.  I shared with a “friend” my successful venture into the world of public speaking.  I told her that I had an upcoming gig in Atlantic City in front of 900 city clerks from around the world.  Her hurtful responses included “Who would want to listen to you?” and “Can’t you get a real job?”

Often in life, you will receive the worst advice and harshest criticism from those who love you – both family and friends.   There are at least three reasons why people who care for you shoot you down:

• Preconceived ideas about who you are:  Family members have you locked in at a certain age.  For me, my mother never saw me beyond five years old when I had three things happen to me.  First, I had gotten severe pneumonia and a nurse had to come to the house every day to give me a shot.  Second, we lived in Southern California and we could climb a ladder in the backyard and be in the hills.  One day the ladder came loose as I climbed it and smacked me in the face, knocking a tooth out.  Third, and the most terrifying for my mother was when I was almost killed.  We had gone to a farmer’s market where there was a horse ride.  The horses were connected by a bar to a central pole and walked peacefully in a circle.  My brother was seat-belted in his saddle.  The man then seat belted me.  When the horses started to walk, mine wouldn’t.  The man kicked the horse.  The horse started screaming and bucking.  I tried to undo the seat belt, I tried to grab my brother, and I couldn’t do either.  After that I have no memory.  What I learned is that the horse broke loose, took off down the mountain road, the saddle swung upside down, and I was dragged along the road.  My mother lost her shoes trying to catch the horse.  A couple found my body and rushed me to the hospital.  Miraculously, I only needed stitches in my forehead and chin, and a cast for a broken arm.  Those events marked me forever to my mother as accident-prone.  My mother would never ask me what I was doing for the Army in Bosnia and Iraq because she never saw me as an accomplished soldier but an accident-prone five year old.
• Clueless about who you are.  This one is often a result of the above but it can also be friends and family who just don’t get you.  They don’t know your strengths, passions, and talents. And, they don’t try to find out.  They have defined you and will not change their mind.  Often that is due to the next point.
• Fear and jealousy.  Most often, naysayers have not fulfilled their own dreams.  They don’t live an inspired existence because they’re too busy living lives of quiet desperation.  Chances are, they are just afraid – afraid of change, afraid of failure, afraid of being insignificant, or afraid of being judged.  Your wild dreams threaten your naysaying friend.  She likes to keep life safe and predictable.  Your goal threatens to throw out the equilibrium of her universe.  She is the Naysayer and you are the Fearless Adventurer.

Here are Five Things for the Fearless Adventurer to Do to Avoid the Naysayer, Poisonous Pal and Frenemy. (According to Urban Dictionary, Frenemy is the type of “friend” whose words or actions bring you down.)

• Don’t take them on the journey.  My supportive friends know that I’m writing a book, that I have a literary agent in Manhattan, and that my agents thinks some of my stories will be sold to Hollywood.  My family has no clue.  I won’t listen to “Who would want to read you?”  When the book makes the bestseller list, or the Today Show is interviewing me, or David Letterman’s show is interested, then I will inform my sisters and brothers.
• Create your own cheerleading squad.  You need trusted friends to celebrate with.  Choose those who are supportive and proud of you, who will make the journey fun and easier.  It does not have to include family and should not include those who don’t get you.
• Sing the phrase “If you don’t know me by now, you will never, never, never know me.”  Sometimes, you can’t avoid the naysayers.  Singing this song with cheesy hand movements will cause them to walk away.  Score one for you!
• If you’re not comfortable with singing, then prepare your assertive answer when they start to jab at you.  I love saying, “I love you too much to argue.”  Then I walk away.
• Sever the ties.  People say you are a conglomeration of the five people you hang with the most.  Do you really want to waste one of those on a poisonous pal?  If you find yourself in a relationship with a toxic person who continually tears holes in your ambitions, end it.  Instead, choose to surround yourself with people who will join you in the victory dance.

Ladies, I feel so strongly that you are where you’re meant to be.  Gather your victory team, kiss goodbye the naysayers, poisonous pals, and Frenemies, and go for it!

Find more great advice from Jill here.

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