The Eating Holiday Season Has Begun

A humorous blog about trying to maintain one's weight during the holiday season.

What am I going to be on Halloween?  Hopefully the same weight I was when my
husband bought eight pounds of Halloween candy four weeks ago!  

Yes, it’s that time of year; the Eating Holiday Season is once again upon us.  Some believe that the weight-gain holidays begin with Thanksgiving and end with a New Year’s Day brunch.  But the reality is that they begin the day the
Halloween candy is purchased.  

We all have our reasons for eating—and OCCASIONALLY hunger is even one of them.

Having had a weight problem earlier in my life, I know that I’m only a few ‘what the hells’ away from having another as I get older.

Here are a few tricks I’ve used over the years to avoid having to make the cliché New Year’s resolution to lose weight. 

Rule #1:  Don’t buy Halloween candy early.

Rule #2:  Only buy candy you hate.

Rule #3:  Around 8:30 PM give a group of teens all the remaining candy and shut out the lights.

Rule #4:  Get even with the idiots at work who bring their leftover candy to the office.  They pretend they are doing the office a favor; but you and I know better.  The truth is they weren’t smart enough to follow Rule #3 and are selfish and sadistic individuals who want to make others suffer.  The best way to deal with these people is to hide their computer mouse and/or stapler every day for a week.  It will make them absolutely crazy and the stress will cause them to eat everything in sight—mission accomplished.  Your inner laughter will help your brain generate additional serotonin so you will not crave the offending items sitting in the office kitchen. Warning:  Beware of security cameras.

Ok, so you’ve managed to follow rules #1 through #4 successfully, now what do you do about the remaining two months of the Eating Holiday Season? 

Unfortunately these final two months can be treacherous for those of us who have to pay attention to calories in and calories out.

Here are a few tips to get you through these months with minimal damage.

Tip #1:  Unless you are on the way to the gym, the only elastic waistbands in your life should be your underwear or your Depends.  If it hurts to breath, you are less likely to feel hungry or overeat.

Tip #2:  Live with the mindset of ‘eating to live, not living to eat.’  If that means putting a picture of some imaginary kid from Biafra on your refrigerator, do it!

Tip #3:  Let other people take the leftovers home from the party. That includes Thanksgiving Dinner.  If you ‘must’ have a turkey sandwich for the next day, take just enough to make 1 sandwich and NOTHING MORE.  Pecan pie is NOT a sandwich ingredient!

Tip #4:  If you host Thanksgiving, don’t let a single guest follow Tip #3—make them clean out your refrigerator before you move the car that has mysteriously parked them in.

Tip #5:  Alcohol is food.  Just because the bottle has the brand ‘Skinny Girl’ on it, does not mean the more you drink the skinnier you get!  If you plan to drink, only eat low calorie foods, and for everyone’s sake, DON’T DRIVE.

Tip #6:  Eggnog and coffee drinks have been proven to be the sole cause of cellulite, organ failure and sexual dysfunction.  Avoid them at all costs.

Tip #7:  The people who persistently insist that you eat more or ‘just try’ something, are only looking for a fatter person to sit next to on the beach next summer.  Don’t fall for it!  Then invite them to the beach.

Copyright 2012 Cheryl Tully Stoll

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

kate f November 01, 2012 at 12:43 PM
Thanks for my morning SCREAM..Cheryl..meaning laugh..Halloween and it's rotten little Reese's cups I was 'handing out'..is done. The 'driveway block' on Thanksgiving is the best tip ever....ever..
Dan Fredonia November 02, 2012 at 12:01 AM
OK...so I've already succumed to the holiday eating season once I stepped into the doorway of Walgreen's next to Staples....THEY HAVE CHRISTMAS CANDY ALREADY! And I'm talking like the Russel Stovers 2 for a $1 treat! Like raspberry and cream Santas, marshmellow and cramel Santas, creme and caramel santas...SANTAS SANTAS SANTAS! (which dosen't even look like one, when you unwrap it it looks like one of those wax vodooo dolls you get in a novelty shop, like a wrapped up mummy! AND coconut christmas wreaths (which during Halloween they're called Halloween wreaths and in Easter they have jelly beans in the center to look like eggs)....Christmas tree peeps and holiday mini eggs! Just looking at the display promptly makes my left ventricle slam shut! DEAD MAN WALKING! (who am I kidding...I bought 6 bucks worth)
Dan Fredonia November 03, 2012 at 09:26 PM
What...after almost 2 days NO ONE shares the same feeling I have with Christmas candy? Am I the only one who's keeping the Russel Stovers company afloat?? I can't do that all by myself, people! I have not the money nor the waistline! Cheryl, give me some love! ;-)
Cheryl Tully Stoll November 03, 2012 at 11:10 PM
Dan, as you know we should not confuse love with food. However, I have been fortunate not to have to go into Walgreens or CVS this week. I'm betting the red and green wrapped Reeses minis are out along with the same color M&Ms in 400 lb. bags. Which end of Santa do you start with? Somehow his fat face isn't nearly as appealing as a bunny's ears, but a piece of his tail isn't quite the same either. Reindeer! That's it; I'll look for a chocolate Rudolph this year with a maraschino nose. And perhaps a rum flavored Blitzen.
Dan Fredonia November 04, 2012 at 01:10 AM
Cheryl, it's so very hard to determine which is the Santa head when it's so disfigured! Here's something I found (even though its from 2008) that best represents some of the tidbits thats out there-----> http://motivationbychocolate.blogspot.com/2008/12/russell-stovers-last-stand.html By the way, how do you stand on the subject of candy canes? For me it's like candy corn...yuck! And my girlfriend LOVES the Ghierdelli (sp) christmas bark with white and milk chocolate and little candy cane pieces. She's like, "but it's chocolate!" and i'm like, "you can't fool me....the candy canes are in there!!!"


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