This is me, on a full scale verbal rampage, after the sixth straight hour of a recent “vacation” day that consisted primarily of listening to my twin boys scream, yell, bicker, squabble, tease, taunt and push each other's buttons with the skill of an old fashioned elevator operator:
Thaaaaaaat’s IT!
Separate!
I do not want you two in the same room!
Do not talk to each other!
Do not touch each other!
Do not LOOK AT EACH OTHER!
I MEAN IT!
Get in your rooms right now and SHUT THE DOORS!
Do not open them until I TELL YOU!
AND NO KNOCKING ON THE WALLS TO EACH OTHER … IF I HEAR ANY MORSE CODE I’M REALLY GOING TO BE MAD!
Pause.
MORE MAD THAN I AM NOW, AND THEN YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO BE SORRY, YOU THINK YOU WON’T BE BUT YOU WILL!!!
Pause.
Breathe.
And I don’t want any more yelling! I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE YELLING!!!!
Walk around house, pick up random things, slam them down in other places.
Christmas is about Peace! I’m a person, too, you know, and I deserve some Peace and Quiet! So you can both just sit in your rooms and THINK ABOUT PEACE!!! !
Pause.
Breathe.
Feeling better. I sit down with a cup of tea and enjoy a little hard-earned, well-deserved peace.
Hey, it’s so peaceful I can hear my heart beating. Thu-thump, Thu-thump, Thu-thump. Dribble, Dribble, Dribble.
Dribble?
Uh oh, hearts aren’t supposed to dribble, are they? Am I dying? Have these boys finally killed me?
I stand up slowly, holding tightly to the side of the table in case I should fall and not get up. I’m busy picturing the contrite looks on my children’s faces as I’m carried away on a stretcher … when a sudden thought creeps into my brain.
I peer out the kitchen window.
Yep. The boys have been outside playing basketball the whole time.
Hmmph.
I pick up my tea, grab my book and, as I pass the back door on my way to my quiet living room, I …
Lock. The. Door.
******
Note: Tomorrow my crazy wonderful children turn a dozen years old. When I started this column they had just turned 11. Much of my writing this past year has been designed to transport you along with me on parts of my parenting journey—mostly the good parts, but sometimes the other parts, too—the ones that leave me baffled, frustrated or concerned. I’ve enjoyed sharing my world with you and appreciate your comments and camaraderie. You’ve allowed me to laugh at it all, and you’ve laughed right along with me. Thank you for a great year. I hope your New Year brings you well-behaved kids, spotless counters and floors, and big hugs and sloppy kisses.
Have you had a moment like this? How do you get yourself calmed?
Tell us in the comments.
Pam Roberts
9:33 am on Monday, December 26, 2011
The great news is that you are doing fine! Taking care of yourself! Still in command! The not-so-great news is that 12 is worse than 11 (and of course, 13 is worse than 12, sigh). Years ago, a very wise woman, mother of four, told me that it's great to have a two-parent system in place for the 'tween years, if possible, because at any given moment, a kid is on raging terms with one parent. This means the other parent needs to be the communicator. That place in the doghouse can change in five minutes, so be alert!
Of course, the most important thing you can do is frequently talk with, and exchange tips and ideas with the other parents in the "worst parent in the world" club. You are already two steps ahead!
judy m
9:39 am on Monday, December 26, 2011
Laugh. Out. Loud!!! I have SO been there. You captured it perfectly, Adrienne. @Pam, you said it perfectly ... it's a dicey road around the corner, be alert! Happy New Year!
caro
9:46 am on Monday, December 26, 2011
Happy Birthday Kerman Boys!!! Go easy on your Mom, we'd like to keep her around ... :-)
SuzanneB
10:19 am on Monday, December 26, 2011
What Pam said is on the money, you should batten down the hatches, Adrienne, it all starts with twelve, although I think it's a bit easier with boys than with girls. I can confirm, though, that will be lots of yelling in your future. The good news: there's millions of us who have made it to the other side only margnially scathed, and I think you've got what it takes to make it too! Happy birthday to your boys, congratulations to you and your husband, and Happy New Year!
noni
12:59 pm on Monday, December 26, 2011
I fell off my chair I was laughing so hard! Could have been my house ...
Rubylee Shuman
4:04 pm on Monday, December 26, 2011
many of your columns took me on a wonderful trip down memory lane --- every stage your boys enter will have highs and lows, enjoy them all --- it seems to continue thru adulthood when the scales tip to many more highs --- those years come too soon, so appreciate and enjoy each moment --- happy birthday to the boys and happy new year to your wonderful family --- I am anticipating another year of your down to earth and cleverly written columns ----